you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
accomplished twins. life is a go
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
