I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
