Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
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