"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
