Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
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