If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Randomize
