can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Randomize
