i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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