you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
