She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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