I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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