We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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