i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
