i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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