I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
