We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
