I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Randomize
