i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
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