Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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