my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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