Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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