That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
