Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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