And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
