if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
How drunk are you?
Completed.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
