I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
My life is pants optional.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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