I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
You took a bar mat shot.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
