i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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