Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
