At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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