So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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