Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Randomize
