WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
