I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
