Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
