she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I'm at about main and main street
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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