OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
