Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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