i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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