His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
