Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
should my penis look like a turkey
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
