i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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