Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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