i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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