dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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