Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
