Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
