I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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