I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Just invented taco cereal.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
