So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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