I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Randomize
